So, here I sit............ Fighting back the tears as I do most days. Not sure why today I decided to write about it. Maybe it is because I haven't vented in a few months.
I was watching a movie and a tender moment happened where a couple were holding each other and kissing a little and looking into each others eyes. I just lost it.
I crave moments like this. But they never come. Sure I could initiate it but I won't. I don't even want to do this with my husband any more. I have so much rage and hate for him. Sometimes I look at him and think, what is wrong with you. Are you gay? Did something in your childhood fuck you up so bad that now you can't have sex? The other night I was standing in front of a mirror and I thought to myself. Look at you..... No wonder he don't want to touch you. I have gained a lot of weight. But then I think back to when I was thin.... The same shit was going on then as it is now. I'm 99.9% sure I look like this because of him. Food has become my escape. It's my best friend. Sad but true.
I couldn't even get out of bed the last few days. I hate this. But my depression is so out of control. I seriously wonder If I'd even be depressed if I were on my own. Chances are I most likely would not be. Years ago when we separate d I did so well. Why did I ever get back with him. He'd be fucking up his life and I always felt like it was my fault because I left him. Dumb girl I was.
The other day we were sitting on separate couches/love seat in the living room. I was looking at him and in my mind I imagine d I was stabbing him in the face with a toothbrush. I am pretty sure I got that from the movie Night at the Roxbury.
What bothers me most about all of this is he just continues on every day like there is nothing the matter. How much more of this can I take? There is nothing wrong with me for wanting an intimate relationship with my spouse. I have wasted 26 years of my life for this man who I now hate.
I wonder how it would affect my daughters if we were divorced? I bet it would be better. I would be able to be happy and that would affect them in a positive way............. If only...…
