A night alone, and still no bueno.

So, we had an evening where both kids were out of the house and husband decides he wants to make us a nice dinner. I hopped into the bath while he ran to the store to get a few things. Of course deep in the back of my mind lurked that ever haunting question, I wonder if we will have sex tonight? A girl can hope, right?

So after dinner, which was delicious, we sat in the living room to watch a movie. We start watching the movie and I realize husband hasn't taken a shower yet. So, I suggest we pause the movie so he can shower.  So now I am thinking, OK, he has to know that was a shuttle hint. He showers, returns and we resume the movie. Kids check in and I notice they will be home in an hour and a half. So I tell him this and say maybe I should tell them a later time to come home. He doesn't really say anything to that. Then I say well it's up to you. Here I am still thinking he has to get it by now, right? Wrong. Yeah, you guessed it, the kids were home an hour and a half later.

Sigh.......... But, once I realized sex wasn't going to happen that little queasy feeling in my stomach went away.

All of this is pure confusion in my brain. I crave sex and closeness, but then on the other hand I deep down hate him and don't want sex from him.

Recently I have tried in my mind to think good thoughts about him. I day dreamed of us making love, being close, and enjoying each other. But it just doesn't work because soon I find myself slipping and thinking of times I spent with two other men I had affairs with.

I just want to be wanted. Sometimes I think it's got to be the weight gain, but you know what? Things were exactly the same when I was in shape and had an awesome body.

People think we have a good marriage. I am too embarrassed to let my secret out. I sometimes find myself wondering if some other couples I know have sex or if they are in the same situation as we are. Sometimes I just really want to know that I am not alone and that there are others in the same boat with me.

Feeling Extremely Lonely Tonight......

Here i sit as i do so many nights feeling down and lonely. I am at my wits end here. i have got to figure out a plan for my life. i am not getting any younger and the older i get the more depressed i get from this whole situation. i feel like i have wasted most of my good years here in this sexless marriage.

The thing is that if i initiated sex with my husband we would probably have sex. But, i told myself a long time ago that I would not initiate sex ever again with him. so we will never have sex again because he doesnt initiate anything. Here is the weird thing..... I don't even want sex from him anymore.  The last time we had sex which was over 2 1/2 years ago it felt extremely awkward to me. I can count on my fingers how many times we have had sex in the last 8 years. It's sad when you know your teenaged daughter is getting more action than you are. I am so angry at him and find myself having ill feelings about the whole situation. I just feel like I am missing out on so much love and tenderness. I would love to just be held in someones arms. I want so badly to feel connected with someone before I get to old to enjoy it.

I just find it hard to plan on leaving. I need the $ fairy to drop some cash off. I dont work outside the home so that makes it difficult to leave when you have no job and kids. If I had money none of this would even be an issue. I have told him that as well. He knows if I were ever to win the lottery I would be gone! Hmm, probably why he never buys lotto tickets!