Just feeling numb

...... Not even sure what to write about. I am just feeling especially lonely today.  Was watching a movie and a scene in it made me feel bad, lonely, ugly, fat and very alone. :( that's all.  pretty much my every day feelings but it hit me hard today.

Feeling Cheated.........

I just can't help feeling I have been cheated out of things that I should have and be enjoying in my life.  I am not gettingoffy younger.

Here are things I feel I have been cheated out of in my life. I am sure there is more that I just can't think of right now.

• A fun childhood
• A father daughter relationship
• Vacation's - We have been on 2 locally which 1 of those wasn't really a vacation.  For most normal couples, it would just be a day away as usual. But since we NEVER do anything those are like vacations. Took 1 to Disney World and that was the only vacation we ever went on out of the state we live in. That was also 13 years ago. 27 years together and really only 2 vacations is pretty fucked up! 
• A normal marriage
• Nice, loving in laws. Don't even get me started on that subject.
• A memorable wedding for good reasons not bad ones.
• A best friend
• Feeling loved
• Feeling sexy
• Having a healthy sexual relationship
• Enjoying a marriage and all the wonderful things that go with a marriage between a husband and wife.
• The experience of looking into my husbands eyes and knowing he is my soul mate. 
• Feeling connected to my husband in a spiritual way and every way. 
• Basically a life. Who gets married 2 years after they graduate from high school? Yeah, I did and it was my hugest mistake ever. 
• Which brings me to having a mother and father around to guide me. My kids will have me to make sure they don't do something stupid like that!
• Fun, just plain fun! Can't even remember the last time I laughed or smiled.  In fact, when I smile it hurts and my facial muscles struggle to stay in a smile. Most likely because those muscles never get used! I am being extremely serious here. It is sad isn't it!?
• My kids have been cheated out of a fun, rewarding life because I am not all I could be. I wonder how my life  and myself would be had I found a wonderful marriage instead of this shit.

I could go on and on. But I see it hasn't really felt to good to get this out and now I am more pissed off than anything. I am off to cry myself to sleep. Nothing new there. :(

If Someone Sees You Miserably Sad.......

Hmmm, I find myself here tonight with a lonely heart as usual. It is so hard to live with someone you hate.  How can I not hate you?  If someone sees you miserably sad, desperate and in pain yet remains indifferent to your suffering and plans to do absolutely nothing to relieve it, they are not in love with you. Sometimes I am not sure who I am the most mad at, him or me!

Maybe I should post that statement all around the house. Not that it would change a thing, because ...well why would it?  Going on 27 years. How in the hell have I held on so long? It didn't start with no sex, but he never really ever seemed interested in sex all that much. I was even into other women and I swear every man I have ever known would be so into that, nope, not my husband.

Now, I am over weight and not the hot little thing I use to be. :( But, I am telling you he wants me that way. Why would a man want his wife to be over weight and not so much attractive anymore? FEAR! If I looked good and felt better about myself that just might give me the confidence to have an affair, or even walk away. I have tried many times to watch my eating. I pretty much stay away from chocolate because it is my drug. But he will bring me home candy bars and crap. He knows I have no will power over chocolate. I have asked many times for his help, but he really only makes it more difficult for me to stick to healthy eating. My truck has not been running for over a year. He don't seem real motivated to fix it either. No truck = no job for me and no way to get out and about. Which means I have ZERO chance of meeting anyone!

I use to think he was the stupid one. But it is I, who is the stupid one.

Can you die from a lonely heart?  Maybe not suddenly, but slowly this is killing me!  I need someone to talk to.  Someone I can trust.  I mean I can't just talk to anyone about how I live with no sex. That is an embarrassing secret. It feels so shameful. I often see other couples and wonder if they are in a no sex relationship. It's hard to tell who is and who isn't.  It is not just something you can post on Facebook. Yeah, I can see my status saying, "Anyone else living in a no sex marriage? Please let me know so I can have someone to talk with.". Sigh............

Always fighting back tears and I hate you!

So, here I sit............ Fighting back the tears as I do most days. Not sure why today I decided to write about it. Maybe it is because I haven't vented in a few months.

I was watching a movie and a tender moment happened where a couple were holding each other and kissing a little and looking into each others eyes. I just lost it.

I crave moments like this. But they never come. Sure I could initiate it but I won't. I don't even want to do this with my husband any more. I have so much rage and hate for him. Sometimes I look at him and think, what is wrong with you. Are you gay? Did something in your childhood fuck you up so bad that now you can't have sex? The other night I was standing in front of a mirror and I thought to myself. Look at you..... No wonder he don't want to touch you. I have gained a lot of weight. But then I think back to when I was thin.... The same shit was going on then as it is now. I'm 99.9% sure I look like this because of him. Food has become my escape. It's my best friend. Sad but true.

I couldn't even get out of bed the last few days. I hate this. But my depression is so out of control.  I seriously wonder If I'd even be depressed if I were on my own. Chances are I most likely would not be. Years ago when we separate d I did so well. Why did I ever get back with him. He'd be fucking up his life and I always felt like it was my fault because I left him. Dumb girl I was.

The other day we were sitting on separate couches/love seat in the living room. I was looking at him and in my mind I imagine d I was stabbing him in the face with a toothbrush. I am pretty sure I got that from the movie Night at the Roxbury.

What bothers me most about all of this is he just continues on every day like there is nothing the matter. How much more of this can I take? There is nothing wrong with me for wanting an intimate relationship with my spouse. I have wasted 26 years of my life for this man who I now hate.

I wonder how it would affect my daughters if we were divorced? I bet it would be better. I would be able to be happy and that would affect them in a positive way............. If only...…

A night alone, and still no bueno.

So, we had an evening where both kids were out of the house and husband decides he wants to make us a nice dinner. I hopped into the bath while he ran to the store to get a few things. Of course deep in the back of my mind lurked that ever haunting question, I wonder if we will have sex tonight? A girl can hope, right?

So after dinner, which was delicious, we sat in the living room to watch a movie. We start watching the movie and I realize husband hasn't taken a shower yet. So, I suggest we pause the movie so he can shower.  So now I am thinking, OK, he has to know that was a shuttle hint. He showers, returns and we resume the movie. Kids check in and I notice they will be home in an hour and a half. So I tell him this and say maybe I should tell them a later time to come home. He doesn't really say anything to that. Then I say well it's up to you. Here I am still thinking he has to get it by now, right? Wrong. Yeah, you guessed it, the kids were home an hour and a half later.

Sigh.......... But, once I realized sex wasn't going to happen that little queasy feeling in my stomach went away.

All of this is pure confusion in my brain. I crave sex and closeness, but then on the other hand I deep down hate him and don't want sex from him.

Recently I have tried in my mind to think good thoughts about him. I day dreamed of us making love, being close, and enjoying each other. But it just doesn't work because soon I find myself slipping and thinking of times I spent with two other men I had affairs with.

I just want to be wanted. Sometimes I think it's got to be the weight gain, but you know what? Things were exactly the same when I was in shape and had an awesome body.

People think we have a good marriage. I am too embarrassed to let my secret out. I sometimes find myself wondering if some other couples I know have sex or if they are in the same situation as we are. Sometimes I just really want to know that I am not alone and that there are others in the same boat with me.

Feeling Extremely Lonely Tonight......

Here i sit as i do so many nights feeling down and lonely. I am at my wits end here. i have got to figure out a plan for my life. i am not getting any younger and the older i get the more depressed i get from this whole situation. i feel like i have wasted most of my good years here in this sexless marriage.

The thing is that if i initiated sex with my husband we would probably have sex. But, i told myself a long time ago that I would not initiate sex ever again with him. so we will never have sex again because he doesnt initiate anything. Here is the weird thing..... I don't even want sex from him anymore.  The last time we had sex which was over 2 1/2 years ago it felt extremely awkward to me. I can count on my fingers how many times we have had sex in the last 8 years. It's sad when you know your teenaged daughter is getting more action than you are. I am so angry at him and find myself having ill feelings about the whole situation. I just feel like I am missing out on so much love and tenderness. I would love to just be held in someones arms. I want so badly to feel connected with someone before I get to old to enjoy it.

I just find it hard to plan on leaving. I need the $ fairy to drop some cash off. I dont work outside the home so that makes it difficult to leave when you have no job and kids. If I had money none of this would even be an issue. I have told him that as well. He knows if I were ever to win the lottery I would be gone! Hmm, probably why he never buys lotto tickets!

15 Things You Didn't Know About Marriage

Hello again,

Yeah, I know it's been awhile, so I thought I better check in. Still no sex! No surprise there.  The other day I was reading some things on the internet and I came across an article about things you didn't know about marriage. I'll share each fact. There are 15 altogether. If you'd like to read a bit more info on each one you can find it here. http://bit.ly/14bCuip

• 15. Marriage ceremonies end with a kiss because in ancient Rome, a kiss was used to seal contracts, and marriage was seen as a contract - Well it still kind of is right?
• 14. 70% of married men and women still masturbate - That's because there are so many no sex marriages out there. Sigh..... If it weren't for masturbation, I would really be a horny bitch in heat!
• 13. Married people accumulate about four times more savings and assets than singles, while those who divorced had assets 77% lower than singles - I always saved more being single. My husband and I separated a few times and I did good on my own.
• 12. According to Wake Forest University, marriage does more to promote life satisfaction than money, sex, or children - Not for me. My children are my everything. Now if my husband and I were close than maybe it would be.
• 11. A 2008 study found that marital satisfaction tends to improve when the children leave home - Well let's see, I have another 7 years before my youngest graduates from high school so no telling how long before they actually move out. But once they do and realize I wasn't kidding about life being hard and it is not all fun and games, they will be back.
• 10. Marrying younger than 25 drastically increases the risk for divorce - I'd say this has to be true. However, the percentage would probably be even higher, but women do get trapped in marriage and can't find a way out, due to finances/no job, illness, kids, etc..
• 9. The first country to grant same-sex marriages was the Netherlands in 2001- Why can't we all just get along? People are people. It should not matter which gender they love.
• 8. The most successful marriages are between the older sister of brothers and the younger brother of sisters; the least are with only children - Huh? They seriously study that kind of thing? Why?
• 7. The average bridesmaid dress costs $147, and only 2% of bridesmaids will ever wear those dresses again - Couldn't tell you if this is accurate or not. For my wedding, my mother bought my bridesmaid her dress. And I have never been in a wedding before. Isn't that sad?!
• 6. Due to jobs, kids, and TV, the average married couple only spends 4 minutes alone together - Yes, it is hard to have any alone time. However, in my marriage, alone time would not matter. We have had days where the kids were at school and we would be home alone together, but not really "together".  The average couple would be all over that shit and hit the sheets. Maybe even the carpet, kitchen table or backyard.
• 5. Over 75% of people who marry from affairs eventually divorce - If they cheated with you, wouldn't you somewhere in the back of your mind be wondering if they are cheating on you? Hmm....
• 4. The average cost of a wedding is the same as the average cost of a divorce: $20,000 - I say skip the wedding altogether. Then you don't have to ever spend your hard earned cash on either.
• 3. No sex in a marriage has a much more powerful negative impact on a marriage than good sex has a positive impact - No shit really?
• 2. The average married couple has sex about 58 times per year - I read that and instantly got pissed off. Wow, WOW, I can't even imagine that. Damn! The article said-This works out to be a little more than once a week. You factor in the older couples who don't have sex that much, the middle aged couples who have to constantly deal with kids being around, and the younger couples who go at it like rabbits, and we imagine 58 times per year is accurate. ~So basically I feel like I'm getting old and that means still no sex. I can't win.
• 1. The number of marriage therapists in the United States has increased 50-fold between 1970 and 1990 - I knew I should have been a shrink!! Then I'd be able to give myself therapy. LOL.

Being a Sex Starved Wife..................

is LONELY, SAD and CRUEL! It takes someone who is very committed to be in a SEXLESS Marriage. Let's get this out of the way - No, my marriage hasn't always been sexless. I am 46 years old, and my husband is 45 and we have been married for 26 years and we have 2 teenage daughters. I am a stay at home mom so I do not work outside the home.

We met at a holiday party, but we were there with other dates. His date was a fellow co worker of mine. Ha, what are the chances of that?! Anyway, a few days after the party her and I got to talking about him and at the time I thought he was her husband because well,  she was married. But I soon found out he wasn't. She told me they were no longer dating. Once I heard her reason I should have run the other way and never looked back. She said to me, "he is nice, but he isn't an animal in bed." LOL. I know it sounds funny BUT, those words have forever haunted me. That should have been my first clue that this guy was not the one for me!

Ahh, sometimes we are so blind....and stupid. We do things before we really sit down and think about it.. Let me tell you, some things need to be thought out prior to doing them. It's better to take precautions before hand or you may end up regretting something most of your life. 

That is just where I find myself today. REGRET! It plays heavy on my mind, day in and day out. I just can't seem to get away from it no matter how hard I try. My husband is generally a good man, but this no sex marriage is eating me (no pun intended) away!  Sex is every where, OK except here at my house.  You can't even watch a good movie these days without there being sexual content of some sort, and don't even get me started on music. I swear 99.9% of all music refers to sex. So, it's not like I can just forget about sex, because every time I turn around it is being thrown in my face. All this does for me is say, "You who, look what you are missing!"

Which brings me to.....Why can't couples be matched based on their requirement for sex and the frequency of it? I'll tell you why, because life would be so wonderful if it weren't. We wouldn't have much to bitch about because we all know sex is everything in a relationship?  WRONG. But, it is a HUGE part of it. I spend my days daydreaming of what could have been and what if. Let me say, this is no way to live your life, especially a happy fulfilling one. I may joke about all of this, but really deep down inside of me I am dying. Or maybe I am already dead and this is what it feels like.

So, I guess the big question is WHEN did the marriage transform into a SEXLESS one?  Ahh, that is such a good question, but a hard one to answer. Even looking back now I cannot answer that question.  It's like I just woke up one day and realized all of this. No, that isn't true. I have known and I have tried MANY countless times to talk with my husband about this. He sits and listens, well maybe he isn't listening but he is pretending to. I go on and on about wanting sex, needing sex and what do I get from him? Not a whole lot I can tell ya that!  If I did I wouldn't find myself sitting here writing this blog.  It seems I always hear the same thing. Things will change I promise. But do they ever, hell no! I have letters written about how he will change and how much sex we are gonna have.  HA! Lies, all lies.

I use to think it was just sex I was missing out on, but now I know it is much more than "just sex" I am missing. I want a soul mate who I can get down and dirty with.  LOL. Seriously though I need so much more than sex. I need someone I can connect with physically, mentally, emotionally and all that jazz. I want to be able to look over at my husband and him give me that look that says, I love you, you are my soul, my everything and I want to SHOW you that by making love to you! Oh come on, you know that marriage is all about two souls becoming one, not two souls becoming further apart. But I have never had this in my marriage. OK, stop right there. I can hear you saying, "well lady if it's so bad get out of your marriage." Ahh, if only........

We got married at 20 & 19. Why? Because we were in love damn it!! Or at least we thought we were. Honestly, I have no idea what the hell I was thinking and that is the problem, I wasn't thinking. Why hadn't my Mom said um no, you are not getting married dumb shit. I really wish she had.

There is so many other factors in this marriage, but I will save those for another day. I can't give out all my secrets on the first day of my new blog. Check back soon for my next post. Too much thinking and writing has over worked my brain and now I just really feel shitty. Something that happens quite frequently to me after thinking about all this. Until next time......