Feeling Cheated.........

I just can't help feeling I have been cheated out of things that I should have and be enjoying in my life.  I am not gettingoffy younger.

Here are things I feel I have been cheated out of in my life. I am sure there is more that I just can't think of right now.

• A fun childhood
• A father daughter relationship
• Vacation's - We have been on 2 locally which 1 of those wasn't really a vacation.  For most normal couples, it would just be a day away as usual. But since we NEVER do anything those are like vacations. Took 1 to Disney World and that was the only vacation we ever went on out of the state we live in. That was also 13 years ago. 27 years together and really only 2 vacations is pretty fucked up! 
• A normal marriage
• Nice, loving in laws. Don't even get me started on that subject.
• A memorable wedding for good reasons not bad ones.
• A best friend
• Feeling loved
• Feeling sexy
• Having a healthy sexual relationship
• Enjoying a marriage and all the wonderful things that go with a marriage between a husband and wife.
• The experience of looking into my husbands eyes and knowing he is my soul mate. 
• Feeling connected to my husband in a spiritual way and every way. 
• Basically a life. Who gets married 2 years after they graduate from high school? Yeah, I did and it was my hugest mistake ever. 
• Which brings me to having a mother and father around to guide me. My kids will have me to make sure they don't do something stupid like that!
• Fun, just plain fun! Can't even remember the last time I laughed or smiled.  In fact, when I smile it hurts and my facial muscles struggle to stay in a smile. Most likely because those muscles never get used! I am being extremely serious here. It is sad isn't it!?
• My kids have been cheated out of a fun, rewarding life because I am not all I could be. I wonder how my life  and myself would be had I found a wonderful marriage instead of this shit.

I could go on and on. But I see it hasn't really felt to good to get this out and now I am more pissed off than anything. I am off to cry myself to sleep. Nothing new there. :(

If Someone Sees You Miserably Sad.......

Hmmm, I find myself here tonight with a lonely heart as usual. It is so hard to live with someone you hate.  How can I not hate you?  If someone sees you miserably sad, desperate and in pain yet remains indifferent to your suffering and plans to do absolutely nothing to relieve it, they are not in love with you. Sometimes I am not sure who I am the most mad at, him or me!

Maybe I should post that statement all around the house. Not that it would change a thing, because ...well why would it?  Going on 27 years. How in the hell have I held on so long? It didn't start with no sex, but he never really ever seemed interested in sex all that much. I was even into other women and I swear every man I have ever known would be so into that, nope, not my husband.

Now, I am over weight and not the hot little thing I use to be. :( But, I am telling you he wants me that way. Why would a man want his wife to be over weight and not so much attractive anymore? FEAR! If I looked good and felt better about myself that just might give me the confidence to have an affair, or even walk away. I have tried many times to watch my eating. I pretty much stay away from chocolate because it is my drug. But he will bring me home candy bars and crap. He knows I have no will power over chocolate. I have asked many times for his help, but he really only makes it more difficult for me to stick to healthy eating. My truck has not been running for over a year. He don't seem real motivated to fix it either. No truck = no job for me and no way to get out and about. Which means I have ZERO chance of meeting anyone!

I use to think he was the stupid one. But it is I, who is the stupid one.

Can you die from a lonely heart?  Maybe not suddenly, but slowly this is killing me!  I need someone to talk to.  Someone I can trust.  I mean I can't just talk to anyone about how I live with no sex. That is an embarrassing secret. It feels so shameful. I often see other couples and wonder if they are in a no sex relationship. It's hard to tell who is and who isn't.  It is not just something you can post on Facebook. Yeah, I can see my status saying, "Anyone else living in a no sex marriage? Please let me know so I can have someone to talk with.". Sigh............