So, we had an evening where both kids were out of the house and husband decides he wants to make us a nice dinner. I hopped into the bath while he ran to the store to get a few things. Of course deep in the back of my mind lurked that ever haunting question, I wonder if we will have sex tonight? A girl can hope, right?
So after dinner, which was delicious, we sat in the living room to watch a movie. We start watching the movie and I realize husband hasn't taken a shower yet. So, I suggest we pause the movie so he can shower. So now I am thinking, OK, he has to know that was a shuttle hint. He showers, returns and we resume the movie. Kids check in and I notice they will be home in an hour and a half. So I tell him this and say maybe I should tell them a later time to come home. He doesn't really say anything to that. Then I say well it's up to you. Here I am still thinking he has to get it by now, right? Wrong. Yeah, you guessed it, the kids were home an hour and a half later.
Sigh.......... But, once I realized sex wasn't going to happen that little queasy feeling in my stomach went away.
All of this is pure confusion in my brain. I crave sex and closeness, but then on the other hand I deep down hate him and don't want sex from him.
Recently I have tried in my mind to think good thoughts about him. I day dreamed of us making love, being close, and enjoying each other. But it just doesn't work because soon I find myself slipping and thinking of times I spent with two other men I had affairs with.
I just want to be wanted. Sometimes I think it's got to be the weight gain, but you know what? Things were exactly the same when I was in shape and had an awesome body.
People think we have a good marriage. I am too embarrassed to let my secret out. I sometimes find myself wondering if some other couples I know have sex or if they are in the same situation as we are. Sometimes I just really want to know that I am not alone and that there are others in the same boat with me.
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