If Someone Sees You Miserably Sad.......

Hmmm, I find myself here tonight with a lonely heart as usual. It is so hard to live with someone you hate.  How can I not hate you?  If someone sees you miserably sad, desperate and in pain yet remains indifferent to your suffering and plans to do absolutely nothing to relieve it, they are not in love with you. Sometimes I am not sure who I am the most mad at, him or me!

Maybe I should post that statement all around the house. Not that it would change a thing, because ...well why would it?  Going on 27 years. How in the hell have I held on so long? It didn't start with no sex, but he never really ever seemed interested in sex all that much. I was even into other women and I swear every man I have ever known would be so into that, nope, not my husband.

Now, I am over weight and not the hot little thing I use to be. :( But, I am telling you he wants me that way. Why would a man want his wife to be over weight and not so much attractive anymore? FEAR! If I looked good and felt better about myself that just might give me the confidence to have an affair, or even walk away. I have tried many times to watch my eating. I pretty much stay away from chocolate because it is my drug. But he will bring me home candy bars and crap. He knows I have no will power over chocolate. I have asked many times for his help, but he really only makes it more difficult for me to stick to healthy eating. My truck has not been running for over a year. He don't seem real motivated to fix it either. No truck = no job for me and no way to get out and about. Which means I have ZERO chance of meeting anyone!

I use to think he was the stupid one. But it is I, who is the stupid one.

Can you die from a lonely heart?  Maybe not suddenly, but slowly this is killing me!  I need someone to talk to.  Someone I can trust.  I mean I can't just talk to anyone about how I live with no sex. That is an embarrassing secret. It feels so shameful. I often see other couples and wonder if they are in a no sex relationship. It's hard to tell who is and who isn't.  It is not just something you can post on Facebook. Yeah, I can see my status saying, "Anyone else living in a no sex marriage? Please let me know so I can have someone to talk with.". Sigh............